Sunday, September 7, 2008

This summer has brought so many exciting things to my friends. Just this past month, I’ve heard of 4 marriages/engagements and 4 babies born. There are a few more expecting babies and impending marriages. Many of these friends I’ve seen struggle with situations in life, whether infertility or divorce or struggling through years of being single and feeling alone. Now, in some sense, their dreams are coming true. In the area of personal progression, they are on a roll! It makes me feel so happy and excited for them. They each deserve these blessings.

But I feel something else as well:

I know I shouldn’t, but I do. I’m a little hurt that I’m left behind. It kind of breaks my heart.

I want to be the one getting married and having a baby. I want to be the one with a reason to celebrate. I’ve done my time, waited patiently, kept the faith, fought a good fight. Now, don’t I deserve the reward? I know this is a totally self-centered way to think. I’m taking my friend’s success and making it my misery. This is a stupid thing to do. I shouldn’t compare myself with anyone. But I still do.

Besides, I know that marriage is not a reward for being faithful. I think a lot of people express feelings that it is, but that doesn’t make any sense. Any moron can get married. It just takes finding someone you want to marry, who also wants to marry you. I guess I’m looking for a quality marriage, which is more elusive. And, my faithfulness doesn’t affect anyone else’s right to choose or reject me.

A friend of mine told me the other day that women in the church should settle for the 2nd rate guy if necessary, because there are less single men in the church than women. That guys not only CAN be more picky, but that they SHOULD be more picky with women, just because they have more to choose from. He thinks I’m too picky. (because I didn’t want him, I guess).

What small things shape our lives. I can’t help but wonder if my life would be very different if I had stayed longer in a certain area, or moved earlier. It doesn’t matter because I make the best decisions I can in the moment, but I still wonder. Does God have a plan in mind for my life? Or is it just more of a haphazard evolution?

It’s getting late and I’m tired. A perfect time for my mom to tell me to stop thinking about this and go to bed. She’s right. I’m going to sleep away these thoughts and tomorrow, go visit a great friend, her husband, and new beautiful baby. And I’ll be genuinely happy for them.


HaH said...

I agree, and share many of your feelings.

Your post brought to mind the opening of Ann Karenina, "All happy families are like one another; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way"

I think it's good to want the good things that other people have. Sometimes 'wanting' leans a little towards 'jealousy' but I think leaning that way is better than leaning towards the "I don't ever want it and I'm going to shut myself off from every emotion known to human kind"

When we see two kind people holding each other, we want that. When we see a happy, giggling toddler, we want one of those. We want the happy and the happy all seems the same.

But I've learned from my own life and watching my friends, that happy, or unhappy, all situations are unique. Even after having a long sob-fest this afternoon because of similiar feelings that you posted, I have complete faith that the Lord does know what, and whom, will make my 'happy family'. I don't know how, and I don't know when, but I know that I've been spared some very "unhappy families" situations and that in itself makes me more happy with where I am right now. Even if it's not really where I want to be.

So, yeah, I totally agree with you. I don't know what the formula for successfully nabbing the right mate, but I agree it has little to do with obedience and check-list.

Linda said...

Thanks for your comment. I miss our conversations. :)

Anonymous said...

thanks for your openness and honestly. Sometimes I read others blogs and think 'their lives can't possibly be all that perfect'. We need more real. Thanks. And I don't know the answer or secret but I'm glad I have great girlfriends!

Marin said...

Hey Linda. I saw your blog link on Amy's blog (holy twins), and thought I'd drop a note. Where in the world are you, and what are you doing? Catch me up!

Andrea said...

i just have to say that i sure do miss you, your honesty and our conversations.

the House of Payne said...

When a guy says you should settle for second rate, you should say, "Too bad you're third-rate, or I could settle for you."

Amy Leininger said...

I love your honesty, too Linda. Life stinks sometimes. I feel that life is just a series of moments, and many of those moments are painful and hard, so the challenge (for me at least) is to try and enjoy the happy moments as much as possible...enjoy the joy mixed with the pain (so to speak). I've often wondered how my life would be if I had made different choices, too. Then I remind myself that all I can do is my best in any given moment (and that best is not always the same in any given moment). Also, I never would have had the experiences I've had if it weren't for those choices. Good and bad choices, I'm thankful for what I've learned through those experiences. I do know one thing, though Linda: The Lord does love you and has a plan for you! You are seriously one of the THE AWESOMEST people that I know. I think about you and how you are doing often, so I can't imagine Heavenly Father just forgetting about you. Love you and miss you!

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